Get Yourself A Sexy Mistress

Momo: That's it baby, don't stop.

Her: Slurp, slurp.

Momo: Watch out, I'm about to...

Her: In my face, in my face!!!

Momo: Happy to oblige, sweetheart.

Her: You're the greatest, Momo. You've made another girl's dream come true (said with a big smile on her face).

Momo: Foggetaboutit honey, it's all in a day's work. Now go cook me a snack, I'm a little low on juice.

Her: Anything for you big boy (as she wipes her chin).

There you have it boys, another little episode in the life of yours truly (me, Momo, you schmucks). Just in case you're wondering, "Her" is not my wife but rather a very close, uhh, personal friend of mine, if you smell what I'm cooking.

A Mistress is Fun

Okay boys, take a minute and try to imagine that you aren't stuck in your boring life, working at your dead-end job, waking up next to your not so significant other "Chunk-ella" every friggin' morning. You're making the bucks and the deals, and you're getting bored of the same old routine. I've got exactly the thing needed to get you out of your rut. Imagine what it would be like to wake up next to Pamela Anderson. Ahhhh, you know what I'm talking about, don't you boys? Damn straight you do. So why not go out and have some fun? You can wake up next to Pam or one of her look-a-like babes. There are tons of these dames to go around; you just need to know how to handle them. The first thing you should be able to do is spot a potential mistress. If you aren't married yet, you can still call them mistresses, just make sure to have a few going around at all times. So how do you identify a mistress?

She's All That

There are women out there that are so hot, they could melt the iceberg that sunk the Titanic in no time flat. They've got looks that kill, with their pouty lips, long hair, sexy walk, gazongas out to there (sure, makes it hard for them to see their toes but that ain't my problem), never-ending legs, and butts that you can bounce a quarter off of. Their bodies are tight but they're more liberal in other areas. Allow me to introduce you to my friend Gigi. Well, I'm not exactly introducing you, but I'll be talking about her, so you may as well know who she is. How do you pickup and keep a mistress? Keep reading boys; the good stuff is on its way!

Picking Up a Mistress

Every wise guy worth his salt has a mistress or two (sometimes referred to as a "goomah"), waiting for their knight in the shiny suit to call and sweep them off their feet... for the night. Which is perfect because they're the most fun when they're on their backs or on all fours. Here are some "qualities" to look for in a mistress. If you can find a girl with all these qualities, then you'll think you're in heaven:

  • She's drop dead gorgeous (if you want a mutt, then go to the local pound).
  • She's not a virgin.
  • She works somewhere called "Baby Cakes" or "Pussy Cat" (or maybe, "Mons Venus").
  • She doesn't have 3 or 4 extremely large brothers that are professional boxers.
  • She likes to knock back a few drinks (the more the merrier).
  • She's not married (especially not to one of the boys).
  • She's easily impressed by guys like you (if you're a "ham-n-egger", pretend you have cash).
  • She has fake boobs.
  • She has low self-confidence.
  • She needs reassurance.
  • She doesn't have cash.
  • She's outside your usual social circle; way outside.
  • She will likely never run into your wife... or kids.
  • She doesn't smell like fish... or worse, garbage.
  • She can suck a golf ball through a 20-foot garden hose (you'll find out indirectly).
  • She doesn't know how to use the yellow pages or any other tracking device to locate your primary place of residence.
  • She can't tell a $10 bottle of wine from a good (i.e. expensive) vintage kind.
  • She understands the benefit of a good spanking.
  • She likes meeting directly at a motel, hotel and/or the backseat of your Cadillac.
  • She's well acquainted with the words thong, heels and garter belts.
  • She has beautiful (and willing) female friends in case she can't make it... or can't make it enough.
  • She doesn't gossip.

Full Disclosure

Make sure that you tell her that she's your side dish. Sure, you'll have to spoil her with gifts and all kinds of other crap to keep her happy, but she'll take care of you and your little guy real good. If she starts talking about you leaving your wife or anything like that, then drop her like a ton of bricks; she'll get you in trouble. Remember, never give her too much information about yourself. Lie about your family name, where you live and anything else she could eventually use against you. Good luck boys. Watch your back boys and keep your noses clean....And always remember, "think long and hard" my friends!